So I am still a neurotic mess from yesterday, I am not near as a mess as when I published yesterday’s post, so that’s an improvement. There is just a lot of unprocessed hurt. I push it all down and sometimes it rears its ugly head.
The ex’s dumb new gf had the nerve to FB msg me last night telling me she “wishes I find happiness cause I deserve it”… ummm what?!! first, I have had no contact with her, so why would she message me out of the blue?! Just trying to rub it in???.. TWO I would be a lot happier NOT knowing she was scamming on my guy when I still lived with him.. no matter what he says I saw the messages and number in his phone…. THREE what the fuck difference does it make to her?!?!!!! I am EXTREMELY unhappy knowing they are together after I told her I lived with him when she was talking to him on fb.. I am EXTREMEMELY unhappy knowing they went to a place me and him had gone when we first got together… it was our first weekend getaway spot… the pictures are still on myspace (yeaa it was a long time ago!) I would never take my bf anywhere where me and my ex had went to.. who does that?! (my ex goes on about how I took my bf to my family reunion after I had taken the ex in 2006.. it sucked doing that, but at least it was a different facility so that’s something…)
On another note.. I turn 29 next month. I am only having a small panic attack about that, and for good reason. I am not where I want to be on so many levels. I keep working to get there, but just backslide I suppose? I want to be married and have a family. I can’t bare the thought knowing that if I don’t conceive in the next 3 months, that I will be, at minimum 30, before I become a mom, if ever. Although, even though if I could get pregnant today, it is not exactly the best plan for me right this second, but it just sucks always racing against time.. and always losing. Now, I know I am far better off than many who have kids, I just wanted things in a little more order since things aren’t in place like they once were..
Then there is the whole issue that I haven’t talked or discussed much about my infertility with my current partner. It was so easy before because my ex found out with me, and we rode the ride together. Now I just feel completely solo in attempting to obtain my internal desires. I am just getting desperate as more time goes on. I have in past searched fostering and adoption as alternatives if I can’t produce an egg and find a willing donor. While I haven’t researched donor sperm, I am not sure that I would discredit that at this point if I didn’t have a partner on board.. but part of that makes me feel guilty and selfish.. I don’t want to do this alone.
I am not sure how to bring up all of this with my partner. Its hard to look someone in the eyes and talk about the one thing that makes you feel so much pain. I am sure he would be positively receptive of it all.. I just feel shame. I feel like I should have told him sooner, I feel like I should have told him my life plans before he committed to a relationship. I can’t help but feel like less of a woman all around. His mom is a super great lady/mom and I feel like she will want grandkids from him semi soon, and idk how to say “Sorry, this ones a dud without help, and still results are not guaranteed”. That’s how I feel: like a firecracker that won’t ignite, while everyone stands watching, waiting for a spectacular show. I just want to call my RE, have her order me some 150 mg clomid and gonal- F, and actually make a healthy baby… Kind of sad when you are eager to shoot needles in your behind/stomach!
While researching hormones today, I came across an interesting blog regarding hormonally affected endometriosis and its correlation with sugar cravings and lack of self love. While a lot of it is a stretch, and endo is not caused by emotions.. it was interesting to read about how endo affected women make sugar their best friend. I will copy an excerpt from part of it. I underlined what best fit me and my rationale.
“The third branch of exploring a condition from a holistic perspective involves examining the beliefs of the individual which are often unconscious, meaning that until we go digging, the person in unaware they exist and the power they exert over their every day life. Louise Hay, the pioneer of meta-physical medicine, suggests that the condition is based in beliefs that the person is insecure and feels disappointed and frustrated. She suggests that people with endometriosis tend to ”replace self-love with sugar” and they have a ”tendency to blame others.” I have seen this time and time again in my clients. Not always but more often than not. A very typical scenario for so many women, involves a history of heart break. Someone broke her heart, either the man she is currently with or someone in the past. It can even be disappointment from Dad. Now, when a man speaks to her in way that is actually inappropriate and makes her tummy twist with nerves of discomfort, she doesn’t speak up out of (an unconscious) fear that he will leave her. She doesn’t think this through at the time. All she knows is that she can’t find the words to ask him to speak more kindly to her in the moment. She (unconsciously) blames him for many things, including the fact that she feels like she has to do everything if anything is ever going to get done. She wants to tell him to wake up to himself and that she can’t do it all alone (whether this is the reality or not, she sees the world this way) but instead, she bites her tongue and the anger and resentment build inside her. Sugar is often her best friend. Please understand this is not an attack on her man. I am highlighting her perception of her situation which is very real to her. She can’t see it any other way until we discuss it. Her deepest fear is that she won’t be loved.”
Yea there were a lot of mixed reviews on that blog. I don’t know about endo or other IF or medical issues and emotions, but I know stress makes you sick.. and sugar is killing me.
Well I am done rambling for now!!