A whole lotta nothin’ but pain and neurosis

       Haven’t been on here in forever, and the last couple weeks have been interesting to say the least. This post will probably make minimal sense but oh well… I’ll try and piece it together as best I can.

           A long back story: I was in a very long term relationship with my ex. I started seeing him in 2004, when I was 18, which was, in hindsight, much too young to start a life with someone, especially a divorced custodial father of 2. He became my world, my (many times teetering) rock, my everything when literally everyone in my life who should love me just up and dissipated. I had no one but him. In an off way, and on good days, he filled my parental void, cared for me in his own way, promised me the world, devoted so much time to me, made life changes for me, built me a house, said he tried to love me the best he knew how. (He says anyways.) He did so much for me, that I had no clue until it was over. The little things that would mean so much…  when it counted, he was always there, always delivered, always came through.

        Many times I wonder what I was thinking when I ended it, cause it seems impossible to think someone would put up with all of my finicky little requests… with my horrible mood swings, me changing dinner plans 10x, with the unannounced mind consuming depression that lingers days/weeks/months.. he seemed to keep trudging along with me, and I didn’t recognize it for so long. He held my hand through every infertility appointment I had. He researched all of the IF issues with me, learning the whole process right along with me, even though he already had kids. He held me while I cried countless times over the failed IF treatments/procedures/drugs/cycles. He worked hard to provide, took care of most of the bills while I attended nursing school, and then after, when I didn’t go back, and didn’t want to do anything besides lay in bed and cry and sleep cause I just wasted 4 years of my life and $30,000 after working so hard for so long, coming from nothing just trying to be something.  

      Most times I know exactly why I ended it. We struggled to get along even from the beginning. It doesn’t help that I am a very difficult person, not intentional, just habitually. Our tempers flared too high. We both could say/do the most hurtful things to each other. I had a long term feeling of never being good enough. He told me forever that he would never marry me, because he could never love me like he loved his ex wife. How when he was angry he would scream in my face and tell me he don’t love me, he don’t want to be my man anymore, to find a new man. .. How he don’t want to be with someone who can’t give him another baby. He told me countless times I sucked. He told me countless times that I also suck when it comes to intimacy, that I am a drag to sleep with, that he rather watch porn and gratify himself.  How when things got out of hand they got physical, only to increase in frequency and intensity shattering all thoughts of a positive future. How after almost 8 years of up and down all around he still wouldn’t marry me… so I packed up everything and planned to move out with a friend until I could get enough $ saved for my own place that he then came with a ring and asked me to marry him. Anyone in their right mind would wonder how I could even consider marrying him or him marrying me after all of the crazy events between us.. but I thought he loved me in his own way, I literally had no love or support anywhere else in my life, and I spent my whole youth with him…. so its not like there was a bunch of mid-late 20 something financially stable unmarried men ready to jump to marriage and fertility treatments. Unfortunately, I kept going back and forth,  I couldn’t envision marrying him and all of a sudden everything would miraculously fix itself. Marriage is supposed to be forever.. how long til we were married til he decided that he didn’t want to spend his life with me, who sucked so bad. IDK.. maybe I was wrong, maybe it was the cure-all and I fucked up and didn’t jump on it.

I still can’t help but cry remembering the day he proposed to me, Christmas 2010. I was in a bad mood for whatever reason, and was being so bitchy to him.. Honestly, and terribly, I think its because he didn’t plan his Christmas present to me. I think he got me a carpet cleaner, and I was just upset that there wasn’t something enjoyable… how shallow of me. 😥       We started arguing and he walked away (which sets me over edge, FINISH the conversation before walking away) he went outside and came back in. I was still laying in bed, and he knelt down beside the bed and held my hand and was talking to me about how he loved me so much, then he opened the little box and I remember instantly being blinded by the little light on the box. I wish I remembered everything he said, but I don’t. I just remember crying and being so overwhelmed with so many emotions. Here I was ready to move out because he wouldn’t commit, and surprise! He finally bought a ring. Through all the up down and crazy, I did love him so much.

    Time went on, fights went on, secret messages to other ppl, and lies went on, and I finally moved out to my own apt. right before Christmas 2011. I had never “been on my own” or “had my own place”. I thought it would be the greatest thing for my sense of self worth, to know I can do things on my own, like before I make a life long commitment to marriage. We kept going back to each other, cause no one gets our dysfunction.. til I finally decided no more, no more lies, no more hurt, no more accusations about the women he fb msg or txt with. He started drinking after 8 years sober, and socializing with several women, and eventually I found a really nice guy.

       What I have learned since then: Yep! I CAN do it on my own! and I HATE EVERY BIT OF IT!!!!!   Autonomy what?!

What I have also learned since then:

Fucked up love is better than no love. -Maybe I am wrong.. but I never felt so miserable than when I had no love- which most ppl can’t fathom that feeling.

People lie.. sometimes a lot. Sometimes its the ones who swear they never would.

Money doesn’t buy happiness… Material things will never suffice the void of emptiness

Sometimes the struggle can hold you together, sometimes it tears you apart completely.  

  Flash forward:  I’ve been seeing my bf for a while. We recently took some trips, and the ex followed it online, compounding our pain/dysfunction more. He cried to me, saying he can’t believe I went on vacation with my boyfriend. He ran me down, ran down the bf, swore he wasn’t seeing anyone, swore the day after his 40th bday that he just wanted a sober life with me. He continued to put me and my new bf down. Called me dumb for not finishing nursing school, told me he does have a gf and that she’s moving in to the house he built for us and they’re getting married in Vegas and going to Disney world. He refused to tell me who the gf was, cause one minute he has one, the next he didn’t. I searched his icloud to see what girls are in there, to see if he does or doesn’t have a gf cause he keeps putting me down for moving on along with wanting to work on us… I get to almost the bottom and I see “Sweetheart“. Not gona lie, my heart shattered. It didn’t shatter cause he has a gf. It shattered cause he lied and made me feel so low, and so terrible, and so guilty. The best part?! I call the number and get “Hi you’ve reached C@$&^”  -The girl he swore nothing was going on when I saw that he was msging her while I lived there, the girl who is a nurse, hence calling me dumb, the girl I said see anyone but her, since I thought that he was cheating or attempting to with her. I asked how can he save her name as sweetheart and he never saved my name as that. “You never were a sweetheart” Ouch. But you signed up to create a human with me?! You wanted forever?! I just don’t get it. 😥

He tells me I am crazy and wants to know how I know he has a contact named “sweetheart” (I hate that fucking word now!)

So I called her back and asked her what the hell is going on, was she aware that I lived with him when they were msging and txting. Is she aware that he still loves me and tried hooking up while he was telling her he’s going to move her in/marry her… I told her all of our crazy, showed her how he was lying to her, and to me… she told me good luck, that he was a great guy,  and she wanted nothing more to do with him… as a real woman should… but NOPE she decided she wanted to “work it out” with him. So I sent her MORE stuff, showing that he is lying to her, and again to me, how he denied being with her (isn’t marriage a profession of love?! why be ashamed/lie about your mate?). I sent her days worth of bs lies he texted me… her reply “what’d he send today”   

           I probably missed a huge portion of important detail on this… but bottom line: My heart has never been so shattered. After I confronted him asking him how on earth he could do this to me, out of all of the women out there he could have dated.. why did it have to be one I was already suspecting when we were together?!? Why did he have to tell me she was so much better than me?! And in detailed ways?!  Why does he have to make me feel so low cause I didn’t finish school or call me a barren bitch with endometriosis?! He didn’t have much to say, just that he was going to sabotage things with me and my boyfriend now. So I made the ultimate decision to temp block his number… which was extremely hard… especially since she kept messaging me on FB, playing the victim no doubt. I just want to scream and cry and tell him so many things… but to what good would it do?! I am truly shocked he didn’t face book message me. Ending contact is just hard.. especially when there are so many unknowns. I hate all these feelings I have about all of this.

           So that leads me up to about now… I can’t help but wonder: was there always other women? Was there more lies I am unaware of? Was the love ever real? Was the love ever honest? Are people capable of being faithful forever? Did he sleep with others? Does everyone eventually fuck over the one they pledged their love to?! Was the last 10 years of my life a lie? Had I married him, would this have happened? Will my current relationship falter because every single person I ever saw, cheated on me?! Why does everyone cheat on me? Why am I in a relationship, when all I do is wreck shop?! How can someone love me when I don’t know how to love anyone right?! How can someone love me if I can’t give them a baby/family?! How can someone love me when I can’t even love myself?!

My final ponder: Do I really suck this bad?!





3 thoughts on “A whole lotta nothin’ but pain and neurosis

  1. Yeah, you do fucking suck. You sound so immature. Grow up. You don’t deserve to have a baby. I’m glad you are a bitter infertile, dumb immature bitches like you should not be bringing babies into this world.


  2. That’s cool! Dumb bitches like you are the actual reason I am still pro choice, even after being infertile! Ironically you tell me to grow up, but your comment speaks volumes on your maturity level.

    It’s fitting a person of your caliber would find there way on to a post with the tag “home wreckers”. I could go on and on about why your mom should have aborted you to help prevent the spread of ignorance, but I have to get back to work, so I can continue to pay for your kids’ medical cards, free lunch, and daycare, since your baby daddy probably isn’t there to suck dry.

    Get real.


  3. Pingback: Harvest Supermoon and Sleep | Raina Rants

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