An infertility post, finally!

       Transitioning back to work from vacation sucks. I should take two weeks next time. I work all next weekend, so I enjoyed having yesterday off. I wasn’t feeling too great, so I slept most of the day,  I was up most of the night.

       Saturday was pretty busy at work, so that was good. Saturday after work sucked slightly. Long story but: there are some residual items at my exes.. I have accepted cutting ties with these items after 2+ years of being there, but one of the items belong to my dad, and are irreplaceable that belonged to my gpa. My dad asked me about getting them Saturday. So, mistakenly I asked my ex for them .. prompting an argument no less, cause fuck civil?!? He said the usual, calling me a bitch, cunt, saying fuck off, then added his new girl is going to marry him, she’s better than me in every way, etc. Which I have grown desensitized to the name calling..

…..But then he had to throw out the ultimate pain. Started to put me down, saying how I suck cause I have endometriosis and don’t ovulate, and was unable to get pregnant, to the effect of I’m not a real woman. I can’t remember what all he said, but “barren bitch” was the last I remember hearing before just completely breaking down, 2 minutes before I am supposed to arrive to meet my bf.

     SO I get to the BFs, try and put my game face on, and BF isn’t buying it, is wondering what my deal is, knows I been crying. This puts me in the ultimate uncomfortable situation. I haven’t cried around him but like a second (another post, another day), and we haven’t talked about this, like at all. I hadn’t found “the right time” to announce my looming infertility in my fairly new relationship  … if the right time even exists. I just wanted it to happen differently I suppose, how, I am not sure. I was with my ex when I found out, so it was never something I had to figure out how to tell him, cause we found out on accident… and then eventually it among other stuff, took a hand in tearing us apart. If I couldn’t have kids, he’d find someone who could, etc.

How do people even introduce this (without sounding like a nut)? “Hey I just met you, and this sounds crazy, but I don’t ovulate, and can’t have babies!”  Not so much?

       So I was a mess, confessed to the bf what the ex said to me that made me so upset. BF did his best to make me feel better. I felt so bad crying to him. He had to feel slightly uncomfortable. We didn’t really cover any details on my IF, but now he is semi aware of something that bothers me more than anything.

I didn’t go into the fact I have an amazing new Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE), who is fairly confident that we can find the right drug combination for a possible chance at ovulating. Or that upon my last ultrasound it showed my egg reservoir is great, its getting one out.. Fuck off Clomid!  That she said physically, everything looks healthy enough to support a baby.. clear tubes via a HSG, decent lining, slightly tipped uterus, but not of concern of impeding fertility.  

         I still need to add my TTC timeline for anyone that might find it useful. I just avoided it thus far, cause I hate all of the sadness it brings. Year after year childless, test after test, BCPs that killed my sex drive, uncomfortable trans vaginal ultrasounds, failed rounds of fertility drugs, needles sucking my blood checking my apparently low progesterone and borderline low thyroid and every other blood test, apple sized cysts from the drugs, multiple visits, multiple specialists, an emotional train wreck that cries at every pregnancy/baby announcement, a failed relationship.. and a partridge in a pear tree. Blah.

SO hope everyone had a good weekend! I’m going to torture myself looking at all of baby boards on my pinterest.

 

 

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