Tuesday bluesday

               Just read that the monster accused of killing my friend got his court appearance where he enters his initial plea, pushed out to Tuesday 8/12.   I have that day off from my vacation, so I may attend. I will be shocked if he pleads guilty, but I doubt he will. Her 30th birthday is 8/8. I am supposed to be on vacation in Atlantic City that day. I am trying to stay positive about it for vacation sake, but it is just really sad. There was a lot of stuff I never said to her that I should have. We had so many plans we didn’t do. So much life just lost.

Years ago, she had gotten pregnant by a guy who ended up being psycho (pattern?) and asked if I would take her to get an abortion. I will never forget that day, especially cause I was leaving for one of my vacations. It was the most painful day probably for both of us. I couldn’t get pregnant, yet here she was wanting to terminate her pregnancy. As a friend I did it, as an infertile, I hated myself. My vacation was then centered around the horrible thoughts that come with being an accessory to an abortion, when I so desperately wanted to be a parent.

I have always been pro choice to an extent, even though I was dealing with infertility. (Not my choice, and nothing after 7wks, where the pill would no longer work.) 

That day I took her, makes me question it all…

Had I not taken her, had she not terminated the pregnancy, would she have had the chance to meet her killer? Would she be here today? I feel like had she had that baby, she would have been home caring for it, not out at the place socializing where she met the monster. Could I have saved 2 lives? Was I selfish for supporting her because I knew the father would never step up?

Idk, but I feel so terrible. The worst part is, her parents don’t even know. That was 7/13/2011. She kept it from them. Idk if they should know. I don’t want to tell them, nor do I know what difference it would make if they did know, probably only cause them more pain.


I have a terrible headache still.. I will be glad when it is gone.


    I didn’t get much on my list done yesterday, but I hope to tonight. My aunt and cousins from NH will arrive in town today… meaning sometime this week I will get my fav pizza- Happy Joe’s.. and a Maid Rite sandwich, as is our tradition when they are back… its a local thing.


I can’t wait till this week is over.





2 thoughts on “Tuesday bluesday

  1. I’m not really sure of the right words, so I truly hope this doesn’t come across wrong… But I must say, what happened to your friend is not your fault. You could not have prevented her death. Life has a way of taking us to different places at different times, sometimes off the road we’ve been traveling. That said though, changing the course of that one day does not make you responsible for the timing of events later in her life.
    I’m so sorry you’re going through this pain… I truly can’t imagine.


    • Thank you for your kind words, they do help a lot. Sometimes I tell myself that same thing, but sometimes it is so hard not to wonder about that so-called butterfly effect. I think I’m just desperate for a different outcome. It took forever to even fully sink in the finality of all of this. Now its like its starting all over cause he is just now being remanded, stirring all the pain right back up. Their faces are on every media outlet in the area, Dateline, you name it. Just a constant reminder of the pain he has caused. I still dream that I talk to her like nothing has changed. I shed tears at least once each day thinking about it. I will just have to give it time I suppose.


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