Life Goes On, Time suspends

I have not wrote in forever, partially because no one cares to read it, another because I feel anxiety about sharing my thoughts/life experiences or lack of.. I hit 29 and 30 the same as I left 28. Nothing much has changed at all. I still work too much, I still am back at sq. 1.

 

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My last post as a 28 year old

I haven’t posted in a bit so I thought I would to end my year as a 28 year old. I have nothing new or exciting going on really. I have been doing a lot of crafts/making tutus. Of course working a ton, I work a double tomorrow at my serving job, and got stuck serving Sunday.. this is all AFTER I requested this Saturday off for my birthday weekend as its on a Monday this year. I better make some good $!!

I have a golf outing today for my office. I have never golfed, or practiced… so this ought to be interesting! I bought some really ugly golf shoes last night. They were on sale, but I still think they’re hideous… just some cheap white and pink Pumas.

I did a little clothes shopping last night. I shouldn’t have, but I have never not bought my self stuff for my birthday. This is my last birthday in my 20s, I am only having a slight meltdown about it. All I can think of is “I won’t be a mom before my 30’s if ever'” All of my friend’s have had kids and it leaves me in quite an awkward spot I guess? I’m sure I will spend my time off work crying and feeling pitiful about it most of the weekend ha.

Yea nothing too cool going on. Just getting older and boring… Umm I ate a jar of pickles for dinner last night along with mac and cheese ? I’m super exciting!

Time to go make an ass of myself at the course!

Have a good day

Some days it doesn’t take much to set me off. Today must be one of those days. My mind keeps repeating scenarios that have bothered me quite a bit, and I can’t seem to distract myself out of it. I hate when that happens. I’m pretty emotional today and it is exasperating all my thoughts. I hold onto a lot of pain. I am trying to work through a lot, but sometimes its just hard to shake. Something so small as a flash back to a memory, or a simple phrase or any little thing can bring it all back in a flood. Part of my problem is that I never want to really talk about what upsets me. The other part of my problem is that the list of unsettling things that randomly bother me is around a mile long, and no one would want to, or have the time to listen.

I am upset today over things I can’t change. Which I know is silly, but I am bothered by it.. and still fail to talk about it.

Quite a few people in my life who should have shown love or compassion have inflicted a lot of pain. There are so many times I wonder if I’m reaching capacity for hurt, but am quickly reminded that there is no such limit that exists. I have learned how to check out, how to almost completely remove myself emotionally in a situation. I have become so desensitized and I don’t like that, it is not who I think I once was.

This post has no point I guess. Other then if you are supposed to love or care for someone… do it with kindness… even if the person isn’t as receptive to that kindness and even responds negatively. Some people have not been shown love, or a very poor example of what it should be, and may have a hard time reciprocating. Those are the ones that need the kindness the most.. for they fight the darkest demons whether internal or external.

Endometriosis Endo March

Last week I was reading about an upcoming event that I wanted to attend in Washington DC last year but couldn’t take the time off/have the enough $ to go while missing work. It was the first annual World Wide Endo March. I wanted to drive, and that would have made me gone from work too long. I was seriously bummed I couldn’t figure out a way to go, as my aunt lives in a DC suburb so I could have had a place to stay. Either way, I want to get the facts for this year, as I learned about it last minute last year. This year’s March US locations are in Washington D.C. and Palo Alto, CA. It is on March 28th, 2015.

I want to know:

1. Did you attend last year?

2. What was your experience like?

3. Would you go again?

4.How could your group or team have been more organized/prepared?

5. Was your project manager effective/resourceful?

6. How could she/he have been more effective/resourceful?

7. Did you have a team in your area?

8. How far/close was your nearest team?

9. How many marched from your state, and what state were you from?

10. What was your mission in participating/marching?

11. Did you raise funds?

12. If so, what methods of fundraising did you use?

13. If you would march again, how could the experience be improved for you/others?

14. Do you do anything in your area to promote awareness of endo?

Sorry for lots of questions. There is minimal anything on endometriosis in my area. I am an hour away from a renowned university hospital that has a wonderful team of endometriosis/infertility specialists, and I want to try and get a support system/awareness going. Why should we all suffer alone?

PMS and inconvenience

I started super early, which is unheard of, as I’m always late.. like when I’m on time its shocking.. so early really messed with me. I am a complete hormonal mess, which isn’t really new either. I’m extra crabby though. The city is replacing the water line on my street and neighboring streets. They hired the most generic company to do it. It is said that this construction co. has the highest population of drug using employees in the area.. how sweet.

They work from 7:whenever they feel – 5PM. They are parked up and down my street blocking me from coming and going. I lost it today. ……They made me late to work today, then I had to park a block away again at lunch to get to my house on a road that is not supposed to be closed (they did patches.)  I was going to try and ignore it, cause I knew half my frustration is my raging hormones…but as I was walking the block and a half to my truck.. the guy in front of my house asked me how I was doing.. Bad move buddy.. I let him have it as nice as I could. I acknowledged that I know it wasn’t just him personally, or even his crew as there are three groups working.. but together everyone needs to be considerate of the residents.. and if I needed an ambulance.. wtf would I do?! Then the little shit said “enjoy your new water line” I said “I wasn’t aware we even had a problem.” he said ” yea they break in this area a lot, these will last years to come.” .. so I replied with “This is temporary housing for me, so it really won’t matter what happens years from now.” .. I didn’t say this next part, but its just a bs rental that was good enough when I was wanting out of my relationship and wanting my own place… don’t act like you did the renter some favor. Get real. So yea that was my morning and lunch break excitement. I didn’t tell him to eff off or anything like I wanted.. but if I had space on my phn to take a pic, I would have uploaded this fuckery so everyone could understand. But…. I did get the number for OSHA in my area 🙂 I notice at least a couple things not up to code. Good luck fuckers!

Thyroid

It’s almost amazing how something so miniscule can alter your life and give you hope when you were near hopeless. Throughout my battle with infertility I had my thyroid tested a few times. My results reflected that I was on the absolute lowest value of the “normal range”. I never thought much about it at the time. Like at all. I had covered endocrine system in nursing school, but never really got into it. I just came out knowing that hormone imbalances can affect your physical/mental health greatly if left untreated.. but I was in “normal range”. So I was prescribed that horrid Clomid, and had zero response to it. In fact, my progesterone was so low, my previous RE could barely believe it since I just completed a clomid cycle. I saw my current RE last December and she tested my thyroid again. It came back again on the lowest level of normal range. She mentioned to me that it was fine, but that she likes to see it a little more controlled. She said that the next time I would try fertility drugs, that she was going to couple it with medication to bring my levels up a little.  Since I had no intent of trying to conceive at that time, or anytime soon, I again never gave it a second thought.

For a lot of years, I have continually feel shitty. I’ve had so many “issues” and every test after test comes back negative or inconclusive. My joints swell so bad without reason, I’m tired always, severe headaches for no reason, still don’t ovulate, lack of sex drive, occasional random chest pains, severe dry skin, hair loss, extreme cold sensitivity, depression (not like poor me, but like no drive for anything, not caring if I meet deadlines or clean or look nice.)  I attributed all of these to stress/not the greatest eating habits.

I started looking at hormones, and imbalances recently because I just still don’t understand how my progesterone can continually be so low, why I didn’t respond even slightly to clomid. Barely mentioned in anovulation is low thyroid being a factor. I personally scour the net about the anovulation causes… still convinced its stress/poor diet. I started searching about anovulation and hypothryroid. I don’t find a whole lot on the internet. Most everything is layman’s writing, and it’s hard to find information that I can benefit from that I haven’t learned in school or on my own research. I was at barnes and noble yesterday checking out the medical reference books like I love doing. I started searching for the thyroid section. There were maybe 8 or so books- “Thyroid for dummies” and other stuff I wasn’t sure I wanted to spend $ on to learn what I already know. Then I found a book called “The Thyroid Solution: A Revolutionary Mind-body Program for Regaining Your Emotional and Physical Health” by Ridha Arem, M.D.

I started reading it yesterday. I could barely put it down. I almost wanted to cry cause when I got to the chapter that discusses borderline low thyroid in women and infertility it was almost as if I wrote the book myself. It was so eye opening. The book talks about the depression infertiles get, about the severe PMS, the anger for no reason, the lack of sex drive, and SO many more things I have/currently gone through.

Anyone that has had low thyroid readings or progesterone levels definitely should get this book! I can’t wait to read more of it tonight. I will share more of it later.

IL Child Support – A 28 almost 29 year long story of a grown kid and the parents who suck life out of her, after she tries to redeem herself

So I’m completely frustrated right now… But to understand why requires this  long story that occurs during my entire life that I’ll try to sum up as best as possible.

I was born in 1985, and my “parents” weren’t exactly “together” when I was conceived/born.. as I was the result of a cocaine and booze filled January evening..  (it was the ’80s… or at least that’s the rationale I get from them..). My parents were next door neighbors who both actually lived w/ their rents (my dad, home at 30, mom back home at 23 … that seems legit.. right?…no .. he was part of the supposed “infamous” 1985 John Deere Plant layoff … so.. he’s 30 and unemployed living with mom and dad..  )

My parents never got together as my mom got engaged to my younger sister’s dad in ’86 and my sister was born in ’87 before they split too…

Flash forward to 1991… My mom filed for child support when I was 5/6. Because in IL.. in order to receive welfare.. a new law was passed that the non custodial parent MUST be ordered to pay child support if custodial parent collects welfare.. Non custodial parent pays court ordered amount of child support… it is sent to the state of IL  for repayment of welfare benefits that month.. what, IF anything, is left over of what state requires, will then be sent to custodial parent. That is Illinois law.

Flash forward some more through my childhood… My dad has had a gf since ’88.. my paternal grandparents (who were decently well off) gave them a chunk $, and she bought a home for her and my dad. It was located 2 hours east of where I lived… That means I see my dad holidays and summer breaks.. sometimes… As MANY times he said he would be there to pick me up on a Friday at 4 or something, and then never show.. never call.. till like *2 weeks later with some excuse that I believed.. Every. Single. Time.

*(seriously on the 2 week lags from supposed pick up to actually calling or coming.. these were “land line” days.. and long distance was “expensive” or some people’s service didn’t have it at all.. and you would have to buy a phone card.. I think he didn’t have it.. but they sold phone cards..)

So he moves away, has the court ordered judgment placed against him for child support  *(keep in mind it is calculated using his last listed income, which was John Deere.) He then never gets a job. He fixes cars and does motor work under the table and never works again besides for 2 years off on as a UPS driver and a janitor… He tells me every excuse about how he “can’t find a job”.    I, the child, believe every excuse, always… and feel bad that life is so hard for him.

*(Later in life I find out that he NEVER files for child support modification. He never works because he said he “don’t want my mom to see a dime.”  You know, cause kids are free?!)

Keepin forward.. Life living with my mom was less than easy. She was a former cocaine addict, who consumed drugs and alcohol during and after both pregnancies until I was 3. Yeah….. Awesome right?!  She also hadn’t completed high school, and had 2 kids with whom she was separated from both of our dads, and neither of our dads paid child support. SUPER!        She went on to have multiple surgeries starting when i was around 10, and as a result, became hooked on pain pills, eventually filing for Disability..  and literally didn’t leave her bed aside from to relieve herself, occasionally shower, and eat oreos or pop tarts. (Seriously, that was her diet! I can’t eat pop tarts to this day!) It got to the point that often times she no longer went to her welfare appointments.. Not going to those appointments results in us not having medical card for insurance, along with not having a benefit card for … FOOD! So as you can imagine.. after she quit working, there were some rough days. Disability paid the bare minimum and we were poor .. like real poor.. like lights off a lot and no school clothes/shoes.. Her or usually my stepdad would tell me and my sister we better find a friend to have dinner with.

After years of that bs, I moved out with my very bad decision of a HS b/f when I was 15, but after a little over a year or so, we split, and  I was back home.. which didn’t work well after having complete freedom for so long. I was hooked on meth from partying with the ex HS b/f, and it was rough getting my head out of my ass. I did a couple weeks in juvi as a result of a physical altercation that my mom started while in one of her drug withdrawal rages,- but I was mouthy to the cop, being a teenage asshole and told him to fuck off… so I was then arrested.. while my mom played all cool like she didn’t come at me brandishing a butcher knife screaming at me to kill her and put her out of her misery.  Through the battle I told her to shut the fuck up and mentioned how i ought to just fucking kill her since she keeps telling me to, wont stop letting her husband hit me and I can’t take it. Bad idea. 😦    I regret that more than anything I’ve ever said. This incident occurred when  I was 14, before I moved out. I was sentenced for domestic battery at 16. This is relevant, believe it or not.. Like I wanted to live with my dad and not live through this hell.

(About this time, My dad and his gf split, and he moved to FLA to live with his parents.. before they eventually were placed in assisted living, their home being sold, and subsequently he disappears, I don’t hear from him from 15, and the years continue to pass without a call or letter or clue on where he is or if he is even alive.)

I quit school continued to make poor choices for a little while longer .. but I had a job at least. My mom’s disability payments were reduced as a result of me not being in school, so she made me leave. So I was 17, homeless, no car, but had a FT job and a cell phone. .. I stayed on whoever’s couch I could, while trying to keep my job, and trying to avoid sleeping outside cause it was winter in the Midwest and I had no other family.

Randomly at that time, my dad’s ex gf called me wanting me to live with her as an in home nanny. I would have to quit my job and move 2 hours east to a town of 200 people, no car, no gas station, no nothing.. I jumped on it.. maybe I could find my dad up there. That lasted a while. I would still come to town and visit my sister and friends.. Then I started seeing someone from back where I was from. I moved in with him (THE ex, I’ve mentioned before) in May of 04. (We were together almost my entire adult life). (Still relevant)

I would cry for years from when i was 15,  wondering if he was ok, why wouldn’t he call or write, did he have a new family, was he homeless on the street, consistently ask my sister if he called since I moved out, play every horrid scenario of what was keeping him from contacting me. I was “Daddy’s girl” why did he go away? My aunt tried tracking him and only found a previous residence, that had caught fire, no known current address, no job to track.

Then his mom dies, and I HAVE to find him to tell him. I decide  to go to that address my aunt got.. where there is the burnt down trailer on another person’s property and a car registered to my dad on the lot.

I borrow my friends car so I could arrive with IL plates. (I live on IL/IA border and was residing in IA by then and  IL plates don’t have a county so no one would know I was from out of town.. if he was hiding.) I go to that person’s door. I have a photo of him from my 5th bday in 1989. .sadly that is the most current pic I have. I knock on the door, an elder lady answers the door. I’m on the verge of tears cause I know I am so close! Finally! I show her the picture, tell her he’s my dad, that I need to speak to him, that his mother has died and I need to notify him, that this is the last address I have for him. The lady looked me right in the eye and LIED! She said she never seen him, that he’d never been there. AS I’M STARING AT HIS FUCKING CAR IN THE DRIVEWAY!!!!!!!!! I wanted to rip that door open and storm inside, but lord knows I never wanted involvement with the police ever again so I didn’t. I just cried, saying PLEASE… Nope. Said sorry, he was never there, and shut the door in my face. (I find out way later she lied, her son was a friend of his.. elder or not, she was definitely a certified bitch for that!)

I leave to make the 2 hour drive back to the quad cities. I go to the end of the road, and see a gas station. I go in and take my pathetic fucking picture, still teary eyed.. wait for customers to exit and go to the clerk.. I show her the picture, tell her the story. She said she’s seen him, that he came in almost every day, but that she hadn’t seen him in weeks. (I’m guessing since fire?) I’m devastated,  but I leave my cell number  and tell her PLEASE call me if he comes in, please let other workers know to call me if they see him as well.

I go home, I cry to my ex for the umpteenth millionth time that I can’t find him. I cry cause my grandma is dead and he has no idea. It just sucked. I call the police detective for the county that residence was in. I leave message, after message for the guy. Never once a return call. I call a different line in the dept.. they tell me they’ll look into it. Turns out that residence was like 2 blocks past that county line, they redirect me to the other county’s detective.

After 7 days, the new detective calls me. Says he has located my dad!! Says my dad is ok, living with some guy, no phone. He goes to that guy’s work and tells that guy my dad has to call me or he’ll keep coming back until he does. I asked the detective the address he is at. He gives me a “location” and a description of the home. I got the most bum fucked directions anyone could imagine “look for the stop sign on county road X that has the spray paint on the back, turn left” NO JOKE that was part of the true directions!

When I’m determined, I can do/find anything. I borrow my besties car with IL plates again and took off for the 2 hr ride with the insane directions. I FIND IT! I pull into the drive, sit there a moment and just try to keep my shit together… This is it. My purpose for the visit is to tell him his mom died, but I personally am so flooded with emotion to finally see him I don’t know what to do or say. I’m not 15 anymore, I’m grown. I get out and knock, he opens the door. He has a look on his face.. I will NEVER, to this day, forget that look. He didn’t recognize me! He just looked at me like who are you? He actually said “yes?” in a puzzled tone, and I said “dad!” and lost it bawling.. he invited me in and hugged me and cried. I don’t know exactly how it went after that but when I asked him why he disappeared all these years?! He said “I thought you were in jail”  WOW!! Did you think they were going to lock me up for life on a misdemeanor juvenile battery offense?! It was so disheartening.. but I found him and let him know about Nana. I eventually leave.

I hear from him MAYBE a few times before his friend’s phone disconnects, he moves from that place, disappears AGAIN, and his dad dies and I need to find him. I check a local restaurant he did under the table work. They confirm he still comes in but is gone by 7:30 AM. I call there at like 7 am and HE ANSWERS. I let him know that Boppa has died and the funeral was pending. (when my gma had died , I got a drunk 3AM phone call from an ex cousin by marriage who told me they buried my Nana that day, and thought I should know.. wow .. thanks?! Yea I let the WHOLE family know how upset I was about that, and demanded updates on my Boppa up til his death and funeral.)

He attends the funeral, after hiding from the entire family all these years. We visit a few more times.. he loses his “place” he’s at and starts living in a storage unit. His fridge was a Styrofoam cooler with bush light and leftover chunk of steak from the restaurant. He still refuses to work on paper, citing “child support will take it all” or “I don’t want your mom getting that $” IL had passed a law over the years, if you don’t pay, you lose your license. He now rides a bike around town, doesn’t work a legit job, lives in a storage unit, showers I’m not sure where.. ALL to not pay child support. Convinced the government is out to get him, that he has no rights, that my mom just ruined his life… yeahhhh.. what I learned through our visits is that he is severely paranoid.. SEVERELY that I almost think borderline Schizo. .and given his lifetime history of alcohol and drugs.. I’m probably right.

Flash forward to 2012.. I have a decent job I recently acquired, I have a place with 2 bedrooms, 2 baths and I’m never there. I literally pay bills for it to sit unoccupied. SO I think I can move him in if he FINALLY agrees, and help him get his life straightened out. The storage units he lived in, he has been paying for since at least 2004, $200 a month for 2 of them, and its loaded with car parts from the 60s and 70s… maybe some of it was valuable at one time, but after all this time, the payments HAVE to have far exceeded the value of any of the contents. He always says he’s going to “sell it on the internet” but didn’t have a computer. I gave him a digital cam years ago after nana died, so he could take it to library to upload to get the stuff sold.. he never acted on it.. it’s so fucked up.

I move him in, get him a bs part time job in walking distance, got him a decent van that’s nicer than my explorer, got him paying child support (he owes $53,000 for 18 years – $19,000 to my mom, $34,000 to state of IL) . His next steps were to get child support modified by getting his wage statements from IRS (prove he didn’t work at John deere for 18 years so its reduced), ask for a modification hearing, get it reduced, get the hold off of his license since he’s been paying as ordered, use his fancy van to get to a 2nd job so he can subsequently move out to a neighboring town that isn’t as expensive as the one my place is in.

His current Child support payments are $30.08 every two weeks. That means he lived homeless ALL this time, to avoid paying $60-$90 a month. WTF?!

I have bitched, pleaded, asked, begged, threatened for him to make the calls to get the release off of his license so he isn’t limited to jobs and stuck living with me anymore. As of today, nothing. Last week he told me to call.

The fucked up part about all of this is I buy all his clothes, shoes, coats, shit he needs, then pay all the bills as he has paid an avg $83 a month to me since living there. All I want is the release off of his license so he can be free to live in his van by the river or get a job changing oil or anything to be self sufficient. I should have known better before doing all this. I was so desperate for him in my life.. all he does now is take advantage of me working 50-55 hours each week to pay for that place along with my other bills and life expenses while he never tries to improve his situation or get a 2nd job so he can afford a place of his own. I can’t ditch him with a cousin cause he wouldn’t be in walking distance to work, he can’t drive till he calls and deals with all this mess.

To further complicate it all.. My mom moved to England when I was 20..We don’t really speak cause I was upset she didn’t let me come home when I was 18 and going through some stuff and really needed her….  Her ex husband still has the house they shared… turns out his gf recently contacted me cause ALL my dad’s child support payments went to my mom at my old step dad’s house… well she’s not around to cash it or spend it, her name has legally been changes, first and last… she no longer has a valid SSN… and I been caring for myself and paying for my own stuff since I was 12, even if I did a fucked up job along the way sometimes. So I contacted her to tell her he was paying and took all those checks and mailed them back to child support  and had them applied to a bank card and she actually let me have the $.

So here we are for the point of this whole novel. I need him to get his shit together with this child support and no license mess. IDC if he modifies it or not, but at least get the license part taken care of so he can go to other places to live and work. He could live at my cousin’s if he has a license or down by the river.. anywhere but with me! I’m so tired of paying for a place for him not to even try to get on his own… It blows my mind after all I went through he can’t do me the courtesy of just supporting himself. I genuinely care/cared about him and he shows zero respect or gratitude. I HAND delivered a new and improved life.. is this REALLY worse than living in a storage unit? Everytime I ride his ass, he says he has to “sell his car parts” before he can do anything.. umm no.

ANd not sure if I specified.. but I haven’t touched hard drugs since I was a teen. I never will again. I didn’t want to mention that idiotic behavior. I was young, and stupid, but I went back and got my GED and put myself through nursing college, vowing to never turn back to that shitty time and to never live a life of poverty. I work 2 jobs, my lights will never be off, and I’ll never live homeless.  ANd my vanity would never allow me to make myself ugly like that again.

Weird ovarian pain

Lately I’ve been having a pain in my ovaries. It’s not always constant. It kind of feels like when I had an apple sized cyst before. I notice it more so when I cough/sneeze and when I life something heavy. I’m no genius, but I’m pretty sure its another damn cyst. In addition, that may/may not be related to the fact that I’ve been having horrible cramps. I’m not sure if that’s just the Endometriosis or something in addition to all the mess I deal with. I get cramps a lot. They come at all times during my cycle, often after sex, sometimes just randomly while I’m sitting there inactive… so I write most of it off as Endo pain.

Right now, I really don’t want to sign up for another damn $600 sonogram. :/

If something doesn’t improve soon, I suppose I will have to. I’m also getting nervous because if this is another cyst, I am scared they’re going to tell me I have PCOS. I share many of those symptoms, but without being diagnosed, I’m sort of in denial even though its plausible. I deal with enough cycle problems since I already don’t ovulate and have so much pain all the time.

Oh to be a man!

Harvest Supermoon and Sleep

       Last night I woke up after going to bed and was awake until after 3:30 this morning. I was definitely feeling when my 3 alarms went off at 5 this morning. I thought it looked like a full moon outside. I Googled it today and there is a super moon tonight. (Which affects your moods and sleep, making it harder to fall asleep) It is peaking or whatever they call it tonight  at 8:38PM central time. I am hoping to get some pics with my go pro camera. I took a pic with my Go Pro Hero 3 on vacation, and didn’t know it worked. (Still trying to figure how it and my accessories works lol.) I was thoroughly impressed with the detail.

      My weekend was nothing too noteworthy. Friday night I just chilled with my dogs, went to the grocery store, made tacos for dinner, and started binge watching Season 8 of Trailer Park Boys while I waited for the bf to get off of work so we could try to hang out/chat for a few minutes before I went to sleep. I had to be up the next morning at 5 for work at my Saturday serving job. We work completely opposite schedules so conscious time spent together is sparse. We get to hang out/spend time pretty much Saturday night or on Sunday.. it is quite an adjustment.

           Oh! and Friday night, I got a REALLY sweet comment on a previous post! Now, I know that post may have been erratic, and flighty, possibly a mash up of emotional hormonal rambles as my heart felt shattered …. but I was in a horrible state of mind. Even if I wasn’t, this is MY blog, MY personal outlet.  I am shocked if anyone reads it, let alone follows, and blown away if I receive feedback on top of that! If people think its crazy, or stupid, or immature, well ok that’s fine as we are all entitled to our opinions, ignorant or educated, but NEWSFLASH: Infertility + heartbreak/abandonment/trust issues + rollercoaster hormones = the true recipe for “crazy”! So I’ll embrace it I suppose, because all the therapists I’ve found are $90-$120/hr. I have a strong psychology educational background, so I do a lot of my own self help through research/venting/beginning blogging.  Everyone walks their own journey, we can all share similar life experiences, but one can’t ever know what another truly goes through in their journey. I’ve trudged a tough journey in a short time!! In reference to her claim that I am a “bitter infertile”… yea I am a little bitter. I’ve spent THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS on multiple opinions, countless visits, testing’s and treatments, all to achieve my end goal of becoming a mother and experiencing unconditional love. All while the next teen mom or neglectful crack whore pops them out like its nothing. So yea, BITTER is semi accurate!

   I went shopping yesterday for my cousin’s baby shower Sunday. I went a little overboard lol. I also helped shop for a little girl’s 3rd birthday party that is also this Sunday. Toys R Us was pleased.

 

Don’t forget the super moon!

 

My best friend sugar, Endometriosis and Lack of Self Love, and homewreckers

          So I am still a neurotic mess from yesterday, I am not near as a mess as when I published yesterday’s post, so that’s an improvement. There is just a lot of unprocessed hurt. I push it all down and sometimes it rears its ugly head.

         The ex’s dumb new gf had the nerve to FB msg me last night telling me she “wishes I find happiness cause I deserve it”… ummm what?!! first, I have had no contact with her, so why would she message me out of the blue?! Just trying to rub it in???.. TWO I would be a lot happier NOT knowing she was scamming on my guy when I still lived with him.. no matter what he says I saw the messages and number in his phone…. THREE what the fuck difference does it make to her?!?!!!! I am EXTREMELY unhappy knowing they are together after I told her I lived with him when she was talking to him on fb.. I am EXTREMEMELY unhappy knowing they went to a place me and him had gone when we first got together… it was our first weekend getaway spot… the pictures are still on myspace (yeaa it was  a long time ago!) I would never take my bf anywhere where me and my ex had went to.. who does that?! (my ex goes on about how I took my bf to my family reunion after I had taken the ex in 2006.. it sucked doing that, but at least it was a different facility so that’s something…)

 Why wouldn’t you want your own experiences?!?  I just wanted her to go on about her life and fuck off… why does she want to message me?! fuck off tpb

 

          On another note.. I turn 29 next month. I am only having a small panic attack about that, and for good reason. I am not where I want to be on so many levels. I keep working to get there, but just backslide I suppose? I want to be married and have a family. I can’t bare the thought knowing that if I don’t conceive in the next 3 months, that I will be, at minimum 30, before I become a mom, if ever. Although, even though if I could get pregnant today, it is not exactly the best plan for me right this second, but it just sucks always racing against time.. and always losing. Now, I know I am far better off than many who have kids, I just wanted things in a little more order since things aren’t in place like they once were..

         Then there is the whole issue that I haven’t talked or discussed much about my infertility with my current partner. It was so easy before because my ex found out with me, and we rode the ride together. Now I just feel completely solo in attempting to obtain my internal desires. I am just getting desperate as more time goes on. I have in past searched fostering and adoption as alternatives if I can’t produce an egg and find a willing donor. While I haven’t researched donor sperm, I am not sure that I would discredit that at this point if I didn’t have a partner on board.. but part of that makes me feel guilty and selfish.. I don’t want to do this alone.

   I am not sure how to bring up all of this with my partner. Its hard to look someone in the eyes and talk about the one thing that makes you feel so much pain. I am sure he would be positively receptive of it all.. I just feel shame. I feel like I should have told him sooner, I feel like I should have told him my life plans before he committed to a relationship. I can’t help but feel like less of a woman all around. His mom is a super great lady/mom and I feel like she will want grandkids from him semi soon, and idk how to say “Sorry, this ones a dud without help, and still results are not guaranteed”. That’s how I feel: like a firecracker that won’t ignite, while everyone stands watching, waiting for a spectacular show.     I just want to call my RE, have her order me some 150 mg clomid and gonal- F, and actually make a healthy baby… Kind of sad when you are eager to shoot needles in your behind/stomach!

       While researching hormones today, I came across an interesting blog regarding hormonally affected endometriosis and its correlation with sugar cravings and lack of self love. While a lot of it is a stretch, and endo is not caused by emotions.. it was interesting to read about how endo affected women make sugar their best friend. I will copy an excerpt from part of it. I underlined what best fit me and my rationale.

 

“The third branch of exploring a condition from a holistic perspective involves examining the beliefs of the individual which are often unconscious, meaning that until we go digging, the person in unaware they exist and the power they exert over their every day life. Louise Hay, the pioneer of meta-physical medicine, suggests that the condition is based in beliefs that the person is insecure and feels disappointed and frustrated. She suggests that people with endometriosis tend to ”replace self-love with sugar” and they have a ”tendency to blame others.” I have seen this time and time again in my clients. Not always but more often than not. A very typical scenario for so many women, involves a history of heart break. Someone broke her heart, either the man she is currently with or someone in the past. It can even be disappointment from Dad. Now, when a man speaks to her in way that is actually inappropriate and makes her tummy twist with nerves of discomfort, she doesn’t speak up out of (an unconscious) fear that he will leave her. She doesn’t think this through at the time. All she knows is that she can’t find the words to ask him to speak more kindly to her in the moment. She (unconsciously) blames him for many things, including the fact that she feels like she has to do everything if anything is ever going to get done. She wants to tell him to wake up to himself and that she can’t do it all alone (whether this is the reality or not, she sees the world this way) but instead, she bites her tongue and the anger and resentment build inside her. Sugar is often her best friend.  Please understand this is not an attack on her man. I am highlighting her perception of her situation which is very real to her. She can’t see it any other way until we discuss it. Her deepest fear is that she won’t be loved.”

       Yea there were a lot of mixed reviews on that blog. I don’t know about endo or other IF or medical issues and emotions, but I know stress makes you sick.. and sugar is killing me. 

Well I am done rambling for now!!

A whole lotta nothin’ but pain and neurosis

       Haven’t been on here in forever, and the last couple weeks have been interesting to say the least. This post will probably make minimal sense but oh well… I’ll try and piece it together as best I can.

           A long back story: I was in a very long term relationship with my ex. I started seeing him in 2004, when I was 18, which was, in hindsight, much too young to start a life with someone, especially a divorced custodial father of 2. He became my world, my (many times teetering) rock, my everything when literally everyone in my life who should love me just up and dissipated. I had no one but him. In an off way, and on good days, he filled my parental void, cared for me in his own way, promised me the world, devoted so much time to me, made life changes for me, built me a house, said he tried to love me the best he knew how. (He says anyways.) He did so much for me, that I had no clue until it was over. The little things that would mean so much…  when it counted, he was always there, always delivered, always came through.

        Many times I wonder what I was thinking when I ended it, cause it seems impossible to think someone would put up with all of my finicky little requests… with my horrible mood swings, me changing dinner plans 10x, with the unannounced mind consuming depression that lingers days/weeks/months.. he seemed to keep trudging along with me, and I didn’t recognize it for so long. He held my hand through every infertility appointment I had. He researched all of the IF issues with me, learning the whole process right along with me, even though he already had kids. He held me while I cried countless times over the failed IF treatments/procedures/drugs/cycles. He worked hard to provide, took care of most of the bills while I attended nursing school, and then after, when I didn’t go back, and didn’t want to do anything besides lay in bed and cry and sleep cause I just wasted 4 years of my life and $30,000 after working so hard for so long, coming from nothing just trying to be something.  

      Most times I know exactly why I ended it. We struggled to get along even from the beginning. It doesn’t help that I am a very difficult person, not intentional, just habitually. Our tempers flared too high. We both could say/do the most hurtful things to each other. I had a long term feeling of never being good enough. He told me forever that he would never marry me, because he could never love me like he loved his ex wife. How when he was angry he would scream in my face and tell me he don’t love me, he don’t want to be my man anymore, to find a new man. .. How he don’t want to be with someone who can’t give him another baby. He told me countless times I sucked. He told me countless times that I also suck when it comes to intimacy, that I am a drag to sleep with, that he rather watch porn and gratify himself.  How when things got out of hand they got physical, only to increase in frequency and intensity shattering all thoughts of a positive future. How after almost 8 years of up and down all around he still wouldn’t marry me… so I packed up everything and planned to move out with a friend until I could get enough $ saved for my own place that he then came with a ring and asked me to marry him. Anyone in their right mind would wonder how I could even consider marrying him or him marrying me after all of the crazy events between us.. but I thought he loved me in his own way, I literally had no love or support anywhere else in my life, and I spent my whole youth with him…. so its not like there was a bunch of mid-late 20 something financially stable unmarried men ready to jump to marriage and fertility treatments. Unfortunately, I kept going back and forth,  I couldn’t envision marrying him and all of a sudden everything would miraculously fix itself. Marriage is supposed to be forever.. how long til we were married til he decided that he didn’t want to spend his life with me, who sucked so bad. IDK.. maybe I was wrong, maybe it was the cure-all and I fucked up and didn’t jump on it.

I still can’t help but cry remembering the day he proposed to me, Christmas 2010. I was in a bad mood for whatever reason, and was being so bitchy to him.. Honestly, and terribly, I think its because he didn’t plan his Christmas present to me. I think he got me a carpet cleaner, and I was just upset that there wasn’t something enjoyable… how shallow of me. 😥       We started arguing and he walked away (which sets me over edge, FINISH the conversation before walking away) he went outside and came back in. I was still laying in bed, and he knelt down beside the bed and held my hand and was talking to me about how he loved me so much, then he opened the little box and I remember instantly being blinded by the little light on the box. I wish I remembered everything he said, but I don’t. I just remember crying and being so overwhelmed with so many emotions. Here I was ready to move out because he wouldn’t commit, and surprise! He finally bought a ring. Through all the up down and crazy, I did love him so much.

    Time went on, fights went on, secret messages to other ppl, and lies went on, and I finally moved out to my own apt. right before Christmas 2011. I had never “been on my own” or “had my own place”. I thought it would be the greatest thing for my sense of self worth, to know I can do things on my own, like before I make a life long commitment to marriage. We kept going back to each other, cause no one gets our dysfunction.. til I finally decided no more, no more lies, no more hurt, no more accusations about the women he fb msg or txt with. He started drinking after 8 years sober, and socializing with several women, and eventually I found a really nice guy.

       What I have learned since then: Yep! I CAN do it on my own! and I HATE EVERY BIT OF IT!!!!!   Autonomy what?!

What I have also learned since then:

Fucked up love is better than no love. -Maybe I am wrong.. but I never felt so miserable than when I had no love- which most ppl can’t fathom that feeling.

People lie.. sometimes a lot. Sometimes its the ones who swear they never would.

Money doesn’t buy happiness… Material things will never suffice the void of emptiness

Sometimes the struggle can hold you together, sometimes it tears you apart completely.  

  Flash forward:  I’ve been seeing my bf for a while. We recently took some trips, and the ex followed it online, compounding our pain/dysfunction more. He cried to me, saying he can’t believe I went on vacation with my boyfriend. He ran me down, ran down the bf, swore he wasn’t seeing anyone, swore the day after his 40th bday that he just wanted a sober life with me. He continued to put me and my new bf down. Called me dumb for not finishing nursing school, told me he does have a gf and that she’s moving in to the house he built for us and they’re getting married in Vegas and going to Disney world. He refused to tell me who the gf was, cause one minute he has one, the next he didn’t. I searched his icloud to see what girls are in there, to see if he does or doesn’t have a gf cause he keeps putting me down for moving on along with wanting to work on us… I get to almost the bottom and I see “Sweetheart“. Not gona lie, my heart shattered. It didn’t shatter cause he has a gf. It shattered cause he lied and made me feel so low, and so terrible, and so guilty. The best part?! I call the number and get “Hi you’ve reached C@$&^”  -The girl he swore nothing was going on when I saw that he was msging her while I lived there, the girl who is a nurse, hence calling me dumb, the girl I said see anyone but her, since I thought that he was cheating or attempting to with her. I asked how can he save her name as sweetheart and he never saved my name as that. “You never were a sweetheart” Ouch. But you signed up to create a human with me?! You wanted forever?! I just don’t get it. 😥

He tells me I am crazy and wants to know how I know he has a contact named “sweetheart” (I hate that fucking word now!)

So I called her back and asked her what the hell is going on, was she aware that I lived with him when they were msging and txting. Is she aware that he still loves me and tried hooking up while he was telling her he’s going to move her in/marry her… I told her all of our crazy, showed her how he was lying to her, and to me… she told me good luck, that he was a great guy,  and she wanted nothing more to do with him… as a real woman should… but NOPE she decided she wanted to “work it out” with him. So I sent her MORE stuff, showing that he is lying to her, and again to me, how he denied being with her (isn’t marriage a profession of love?! why be ashamed/lie about your mate?). I sent her days worth of bs lies he texted me… her reply “what’d he send today”   

           I probably missed a huge portion of important detail on this… but bottom line: My heart has never been so shattered. After I confronted him asking him how on earth he could do this to me, out of all of the women out there he could have dated.. why did it have to be one I was already suspecting when we were together?!? Why did he have to tell me she was so much better than me?! And in detailed ways?!  Why does he have to make me feel so low cause I didn’t finish school or call me a barren bitch with endometriosis?! He didn’t have much to say, just that he was going to sabotage things with me and my boyfriend now. So I made the ultimate decision to temp block his number… which was extremely hard… especially since she kept messaging me on FB, playing the victim no doubt. I just want to scream and cry and tell him so many things… but to what good would it do?! I am truly shocked he didn’t face book message me. Ending contact is just hard.. especially when there are so many unknowns. I hate all these feelings I have about all of this.

           So that leads me up to about now… I can’t help but wonder: was there always other women? Was there more lies I am unaware of? Was the love ever real? Was the love ever honest? Are people capable of being faithful forever? Did he sleep with others? Does everyone eventually fuck over the one they pledged their love to?! Was the last 10 years of my life a lie? Had I married him, would this have happened? Will my current relationship falter because every single person I ever saw, cheated on me?! Why does everyone cheat on me? Why am I in a relationship, when all I do is wreck shop?! How can someone love me when I don’t know how to love anyone right?! How can someone love me if I can’t give them a baby/family?! How can someone love me when I can’t even love myself?!

My final ponder: Do I really suck this bad?!

    Apparently.

 

 

I hate the word humpday!

  I have 55 minutes left of work.. not counting down at all. I am tired today. I am tired a lot, but it is taking my all just to make it to 5 today. I didn’t get my McCafe Frappe today, so that could be why. I never drank caffeine for most of my life, this last 2 or less years I’m practically mainlining it.

     I spent last night being about worthless, staring at my apple tv screen saver for almost an hour before I finally turned on the latest Hulu episode of “Jennifer Falls”. I love Jaime Pressley!

     I went to the grocery store at like 9.. didn’t get most of what I went for, but whatever I tried.. I hate grocery shopping, and I hate cooking……speaking of, I took leftover green beans and bacon in a container to work today.. the MFN lid popped off when I turned, and dumped bacon bean juice/grease all over my truck, (that’s going to up the resale value!) missing my stupid expensive Coach purse by an inch.. why do I bother to have anything nice?!… it just is destined to get damaged eventually.

         Tonight I should finally do laundry and deal with my clothes mountains.. but I’m sensing some procrastination already, fuck those mountains! 😉      

                            38 minutes to freedom!

       I still haven’t figured out where this Jen lady that I followed on twitter/blogpress went. her IF blog has been deleted, not on twitter.. she was seriously my go to blogger everyday.. super funny, like me!…  kidding, I know I am not near as funny! I debated e-mailing her to see if everything was ok, but I figured she didn’t delete it all for no reason. I hope she returns!

     I just realized if I want to wear pants tomorrow and not capris, I better wash at least one load.. fuckkkk.

       Another blogger I follow, Justine Froelker, is about to release her book chronicling infertility, depression, recovery and all the fun stuff she’s endured  – “Ever Upward“. I am excited to pre-order it, I just saw that she has a book signing in St Louis Saturday, Oct 4th. I am trying to see about spending a night there so I can go to it. It is a 3.5 – 4 hour drive from me… and close to my birthday time. I swore I’d never return to that city again, but I would make an exception for the opportunity to speak with her in person.  The lady is also a psychologist in St. Louis, and has been quite inspiring in a few ways!

         35 minutes……. I type slow.

 

I am currently taking volunteers for someone to come organize my clothes/closets .. I’ll provide direction!

   I’m drinking green tea.. had a slice of pizza at lunch.. pb&J for snack…

I spent the morning torturing myself by checking out a bunch of wedding and baby stuff online..

I learned how to paint/glitterize soles/heels of my shoes. Learned how to be a better packer. I checked out birthday cakes that I may want for myself.. this will be my last birthday that I am in my “20s” .. I just want an epic birthday this time. I failed to plan, so I’m not sure how epic it’ll be. Last year my 28th birthday was on a Sunday, so the night before, I had planned on going to a coworker’s party I was invited to.. got my hair done and all..  instead, I passed out at like 9.. but I did go to Chicago the next day on my actual birthday, which happened to be exactly when the Chicago Marathon was going on.. oops! It was a pretty good day though.

 

………

22 minutes…

Blah!

 

 

 

 

 

 

   

Boring blah

   Today has already started off less than favorable. I slept through my alarm and missed my shower. I keep dealing with ridiculousness to no end.  Work is crazy. I am starting to get sick from it all. Last night was pretty decent. After I was done dealing with ignorance, I went to my bf’s mom’s house for dinner. That lady is an amazing cook! It was nice to be invited over, even though the bf was at work. She sent me home with probably a week of leftovers for him. I wish I had snagged some for lunch. I am pretty upset right now, so not real hungry anyways. I did notice that a lady I was following disappeared.. hoping she is ok. I am going to go to lunch and try and come up with something worthwhile to post on. I was told my post yesterday was stupid.. so I am aspiring to do better than that.

 

An infertility post, finally!

       Transitioning back to work from vacation sucks. I should take two weeks next time. I work all next weekend, so I enjoyed having yesterday off. I wasn’t feeling too great, so I slept most of the day,  I was up most of the night.

       Saturday was pretty busy at work, so that was good. Saturday after work sucked slightly. Long story but: there are some residual items at my exes.. I have accepted cutting ties with these items after 2+ years of being there, but one of the items belong to my dad, and are irreplaceable that belonged to my gpa. My dad asked me about getting them Saturday. So, mistakenly I asked my ex for them .. prompting an argument no less, cause fuck civil?!? He said the usual, calling me a bitch, cunt, saying fuck off, then added his new girl is going to marry him, she’s better than me in every way, etc. Which I have grown desensitized to the name calling..

…..But then he had to throw out the ultimate pain. Started to put me down, saying how I suck cause I have endometriosis and don’t ovulate, and was unable to get pregnant, to the effect of I’m not a real woman. I can’t remember what all he said, but “barren bitch” was the last I remember hearing before just completely breaking down, 2 minutes before I am supposed to arrive to meet my bf.

     SO I get to the BFs, try and put my game face on, and BF isn’t buying it, is wondering what my deal is, knows I been crying. This puts me in the ultimate uncomfortable situation. I haven’t cried around him but like a second (another post, another day), and we haven’t talked about this, like at all. I hadn’t found “the right time” to announce my looming infertility in my fairly new relationship  … if the right time even exists. I just wanted it to happen differently I suppose, how, I am not sure. I was with my ex when I found out, so it was never something I had to figure out how to tell him, cause we found out on accident… and then eventually it among other stuff, took a hand in tearing us apart. If I couldn’t have kids, he’d find someone who could, etc.

How do people even introduce this (without sounding like a nut)? “Hey I just met you, and this sounds crazy, but I don’t ovulate, and can’t have babies!”  Not so much?

       So I was a mess, confessed to the bf what the ex said to me that made me so upset. BF did his best to make me feel better. I felt so bad crying to him. He had to feel slightly uncomfortable. We didn’t really cover any details on my IF, but now he is semi aware of something that bothers me more than anything.

I didn’t go into the fact I have an amazing new Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE), who is fairly confident that we can find the right drug combination for a possible chance at ovulating. Or that upon my last ultrasound it showed my egg reservoir is great, its getting one out.. Fuck off Clomid!  That she said physically, everything looks healthy enough to support a baby.. clear tubes via a HSG, decent lining, slightly tipped uterus, but not of concern of impeding fertility.  

         I still need to add my TTC timeline for anyone that might find it useful. I just avoided it thus far, cause I hate all of the sadness it brings. Year after year childless, test after test, BCPs that killed my sex drive, uncomfortable trans vaginal ultrasounds, failed rounds of fertility drugs, needles sucking my blood checking my apparently low progesterone and borderline low thyroid and every other blood test, apple sized cysts from the drugs, multiple visits, multiple specialists, an emotional train wreck that cries at every pregnancy/baby announcement, a failed relationship.. and a partridge in a pear tree. Blah.

SO hope everyone had a good weekend! I’m going to torture myself looking at all of baby boards on my pinterest.

 

 

Dog books and what not

         I have a lot of books. Not as many as I would like, but quite a few. I also have several unread. Most of my collection is either by John Grisham, or are real life heart tugging stories about captivity/abuse, or various stories chronicled on dogs- fiction or non.  I guess you could say I like mystery, trauma survival, and dogs.

    On lunch break today I went home and broke out a book. It is “Thereby Hangs a Tail”- by Spencer Quinn. It’s a dog narrated mystery book, also the sequel to “Dog On It”.

http://www.chetthedog.com/

      I had started reading it awhile back with my best friend, we both were reading it as our own sort of book club. We’re dorks, that like dogs more than the average bear. We never finished the series, so since she has passed, I thought that it would be a nice semi tribute to start it up and finish the series like we had intended.

    Random thing..   I read my dog books aloud to my dogs. I thought that I was the only one who did that, but turns out its more common that you’d think. (just check out that site I linked)

       I am not sure where this post was going since I have been interrupted 50 times… but yea I like dog books, and if you like mystery or dog books- check out the author Spencer Quinn. He even has a little blog on his site.

http://www.chetthedog.com/

I got to go home now and read to my doggies!